The 5 rules of Savoury Gastronomy

1. All dishes must contain one of each of the following food groups:

• chilli
• bacon
• garlic
• cheese

2. Roast gently or toast heartily.
3. If in doubt, fold it.
4. Add Colman's Mustard to taste.
5. If still in doubt, seek additional condiments.

Miss that Itch?

The below images have been sampled shamelessly pilfered from the Buena Vista Tattoo Club Portfolio
& were inked by Volko Merschky & Simon Pfaff.
Enjoy...

I am an AllSaints Clone (updated post)

"We admitted we were powerless over AllSaints—that our lives had become unmanageable."

Step one of twelve complete; now for the purpose of this post...

I like AllSaints clobber.
I also like playing spot-the-difference.
Below pictures related, perchance?

(srsly, I can't be the only person that noticed this?!)

Opinion-wise; I am on the fence on this one:
The lazy/freeloader side of me is knarked off that the same similarities appear to have been lost in translation with regard to the Ladieswear sections of Primark, Tesco Clothing et al: there goes my "ZOMG!! 10 FOR THE PRICE OF 1!!!" rationalised shopping binge.
The artist in me is disgusted by this blatent rip-off of creative work.
The teacher in me preaches that copying someone else's style is a compliment (that is, unless it's somebody else's schoolwork of course).

The cynic in me knows damn well that business is business: get the hell over it, woman.

Enjoy contemplating the most precise images of things whose sight is painful to us.
– Aristotle, Poetics.

Celebrity Shitlist

I like lists.

This is a list of celebrities that I dislike for no apparent reason:

• Russell Brand
• Fearne Cotton
• Monty Don
• Alan Davies
• Will Smith
• Simon Amstell
• Ellie Golding
• Alan Carr

/rant.

OkStupid: "I'm soaked lol"

Ever since I bit the online dating bullet, I had the desire to document the odd occasional gem: from the guy who offered me money in return for a drink in a pub; to the date who believed in no uncertain terms that gay people should have sex changes to make them 'straight'.

However, the sheer volume of my personal comedy goldmine stash is just a little too daunting to contemplate cataloguing at present; so in the meantime I bring you some light-hearted relief courtesy of the fucking nutcase pawing over my flatmate Seren's OKCupid profile: enjoy.

Subject: (no subject)
From: ARCHIE_MOSES

a lingering tongue down ur back
accompanied by a rose
with a long stem
wud make u shiver
then..
down round the back of ur kness
knees
and calve
up ur inside leg
slowly
easing
up into
ur nether inner thighs
as ur pelvis
pushes forward



legs
arching
apart slow
my hands
slide
slowly
under ur perk bottom
as u kindly
lift it
for me to slide under
sit back down
my big strong hands
cling
to ur cheeks
my tip of tung
slaps
n slithers
from ur tip of clit
riding sliding
easing
down the outer rim
of ur pus
caressing
ur body
slathering back up
thrusting
inside u
not all the way
jus an inch
for a min
then out
up the side
anticlockise
into the middle
flicking
at the top of ur clit with speed
slowing down
then speeding up again
ur chest heaves
ur nipples harden
ur breast
lift
ur fingers
cling to ur sheets
as i pull them unclinging them free
u raise them into my hair
shiver
shudder
ur ass titens
legs
wrap round my head
ur heels in the air
ur inner thighs pushed
press against my ears
i thrust deeper
now using my fingers
to separate ur hot
clasping
pulsating
warm
breathing
walls
to ease my tung in deeper
deeper
flicking
thrusting faster
faster
consistent
u
shudder forward
spasming
as i hold ur legs apart
n push down
hold them tite
ur
cummin
a spurt hits my tung
warm like
honey
ozzes
like a water fall
first tame
them gets mor consistent
violently gushing
im soaked lol



mmmmmmm
shud i go on
are u tingling?
wet
shud i stop?



legs
wrapped titely round
pelvis
smashes n rocks
forward
snapping like a turtles neck

ur matress and bed ring out
lol
im in a death clinch with ur legs
wrapped round me like an anaconda grip
boa constrictor if u will
i reach round ur akles
with my big arms
tensing
with all my strenth
pull myself free
u spray all over my chest
spurting
dirpping
hot
warm
pus juice
im soaked
licking my lips
i raise up ur stomach
ur exhausted
i lik ur nipples
rub ur juice into u
from my body
on urs
lay there
on top
ur lags lazily
tirelessly
looooosely
wrapped round my waist
i release a long warm
well deserved
well earned sigh
up ur sweating neck
wipe ur brow
rest my head
amidst ur breats
breasts
n whisper..

i love you

Cheers ARCHIE_MOSES: we love you too.

lost for words

but filled with happy.

This Post is Not About The Atheist Bus Campaign*

 *well, not quite.


Whilst I let out a silent cheer on behalf of my fellow free-speech-enthusiasts every time I boarded an “Atheist” 73; I have to confess that I eagerly awaited the reactions from the God-fearing folk amongst us. Disappointed I was not…

Clearly, the BHA were onto a winner with their justgiving fundraiser page, hence it was only a matter of time before a company like Alpha International threw their hat into the ring.
Rather flatteringly, Alpha opted to go for the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach & set up their own justgiving page. Unfortunately for Alpha International, justgiving have a handy little shout box mechanism which allows donors to add some form of encouragement to their sponsor - or not, as Alpha International were soon to discover. With a minimum donation fee set at £2; anti-Alpha-ites flocked to mock the pre-empted failure of a counter campaign via the handy little "taunt" box.

At present, overall Alpha donations stand at £2,004, compared to overall Atheist donations at £151,661.  More than ¾ (£1,510) of Alpha donations have been made by 6 key (mostly anonymous) individuals.  5% of donations were in the form of “paid taunts”.  I haven't seen an Alpha bus poster yet; maybe they're waiting until they hit their target of £100,000.
- At the current rate of donations, Alpha will hit their target in c.1,000 year's time.**

I was dozing on the 73 last week when out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of an old friend... I'd become so accustomed to the trusty Atheist bus ads that I'd developed "consumer blinkers": I'd seen the ad; taken in the message & thus had no intention of reliving the experience.

But hang on a second...

"THERE DEFINITELY IS A"-WHAT?!
Oh, and God only knows what the ASA are going to have to say about this one, copyright implications aside.

BUT WAIT A MINUTE!

- Our nation of complainaholics:

(a) probably won't notice the ad.

(b) are probably too busy complaining about something more topical.

Maybe those Christian marketeer fellows knew what they were doing after all...

**Credit: Malcom Dodd

Thought of the Day #4

More boys should paint their toenails black.

The Widget Midgets Versus The Bigger Boys?

Facebook kick-started the roaring success of the widget; from propagating your own zombie army to giving your friend a puffer fish for their virtual aquarium. Unsurprisingly, the allure of one's idea virus spreading like wildfire amongst thousands of users proved irresistable to advertisers: concepts were simple; investments seemed minimal and the notoriously difficult to target social networkers were finally captivated.

The widget “gold rush” reached saturation in a matter of months, yet advertisers still wanted in on a piece of the action; from early-adopters Red Bull Roshambul (May 2007) to the somewhat more cautious TopShop Fashion Fix (December 2007). On paper, both advertisers have achieved a reasonable user base, with c.50k Roshambul and c.26k TopShop installs respectively (http://adonomics.com - 7th January 2009). Yet on closer inspection these figures paint a different picture: less than 1% of the above application users are actually actively using the brand’s application.

Building a branded application is relatively easy: mix 1 x PHP developer with 1 x reliable hosting service service and beat until you lose the will to live. Oh, and don't forget to season with 1 x bottomless pot of cash to taste.*

Once prêt, a hired helping hand of display traffic drivers, social ads & PR (not to mention the dark art of cost-per-install media buys should generate initial traction - but - the application/widget in question needs to be able to hold its own amongst its "unsponsored" peers...

Consumers love a gimmick, yet the main hurdle for advertisers is to hold their audience captive: the key to widget success is the continual renewal of a successful - yet focused - proposition.

Further still, what happens after a successful campaign? Is it sensible for a brand to make “friends” with thousands of people on Myspace or build a useful application, only to take it away from their newly-built fan base at the end of the campaign? A living application needs to be nurtured; if a brand is unwilling to invest in the ongoing management and updating of their widget, how much will brand perception be affected by out of date, stagnating content?

Slide Inc’s SuperPoke! is a great example of an application that embraces the fickle nature of the social networking audience; new “pokes” are constantly springing up, some limited to several thousand or appearing over several days in celebration of a public holiday. Users regularly check-back in search of new actions to “poke” their friends with, hence the active audience is kept engaged and active users are retained.

If an advertiser is able to piggyback an existing application’s success & vast audience reach, why go to the trouble of taking on the big boys at greater cost? In a cross-media sense, brands aren’t asking consumers to watch their bespoke TV Channels or buy their branded magazines from their local newsagent; so why should they expect a busy social networker to utilise and endorse a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” piece of advertising when they could be engaged in a realtime virtual Mafia showdown?

*NB cooking times may vary & will most likely take far, far longer than the freelancer had ever anticipated when he quoted you a nice, tidy hourly rate.