OkStupid: "I'm soaked lol"

Ever since I bit the online dating bullet, I had the desire to document the odd occasional gem: from the guy who offered me money in return for a drink in a pub; to the date who believed in no uncertain terms that gay people should have sex changes to make them 'straight'.

However, the sheer volume of my personal comedy goldmine stash is just a little too daunting to contemplate cataloguing at present; so in the meantime I bring you some light-hearted relief courtesy of the fucking nutcase pawing over my flatmate Seren's OKCupid profile: enjoy.

Subject: (no subject)
From: ARCHIE_MOSES

a lingering tongue down ur back
accompanied by a rose
with a long stem
wud make u shiver
then..
down round the back of ur kness
knees
and calve
up ur inside leg
slowly
easing
up into
ur nether inner thighs
as ur pelvis
pushes forward



legs
arching
apart slow
my hands
slide
slowly
under ur perk bottom
as u kindly
lift it
for me to slide under
sit back down
my big strong hands
cling
to ur cheeks
my tip of tung
slaps
n slithers
from ur tip of clit
riding sliding
easing
down the outer rim
of ur pus
caressing
ur body
slathering back up
thrusting
inside u
not all the way
jus an inch
for a min
then out
up the side
anticlockise
into the middle
flicking
at the top of ur clit with speed
slowing down
then speeding up again
ur chest heaves
ur nipples harden
ur breast
lift
ur fingers
cling to ur sheets
as i pull them unclinging them free
u raise them into my hair
shiver
shudder
ur ass titens
legs
wrap round my head
ur heels in the air
ur inner thighs pushed
press against my ears
i thrust deeper
now using my fingers
to separate ur hot
clasping
pulsating
warm
breathing
walls
to ease my tung in deeper
deeper
flicking
thrusting faster
faster
consistent
u
shudder forward
spasming
as i hold ur legs apart
n push down
hold them tite
ur
cummin
a spurt hits my tung
warm like
honey
ozzes
like a water fall
first tame
them gets mor consistent
violently gushing
im soaked lol



mmmmmmm
shud i go on
are u tingling?
wet
shud i stop?



legs
wrapped titely round
pelvis
smashes n rocks
forward
snapping like a turtles neck

ur matress and bed ring out
lol
im in a death clinch with ur legs
wrapped round me like an anaconda grip
boa constrictor if u will
i reach round ur akles
with my big arms
tensing
with all my strenth
pull myself free
u spray all over my chest
spurting
dirpping
hot
warm
pus juice
im soaked
licking my lips
i raise up ur stomach
ur exhausted
i lik ur nipples
rub ur juice into u
from my body
on urs
lay there
on top
ur lags lazily
tirelessly
looooosely
wrapped round my waist
i release a long warm
well deserved
well earned sigh
up ur sweating neck
wipe ur brow
rest my head
amidst ur breats
breasts
n whisper..

i love you

Cheers ARCHIE_MOSES: we love you too.